Do you ever disagree with someone you love?

How do you go about resolving the issue?

Some people ignore it and hope it will go away. It won’t.

Some people scream, intimidate, and demand their own way. Others might back down out of fear, but this is not resolution.

How did the family you grew up in fight? Chances are, you do the same thing. Isn’t that always how it is? Even though we don’t like the way things were, if we don’t consciously do something different, we end up doing it the same way.

Like many things in my life, I never gave much thought to how I fought, until life fell apart and I had to deliberately learn new ways of relating. Through my own counseling, and then in grad school, I learned some communication techniques that helped me:

*Make intentional choices in difficult situations

*Stay in control

*Think through what I was really trying to say

*Really listen

*Take turns

C.S. Lewis said, “Don’t wait until you love people to act on their behalf. Act on their behalf, and you will come to love them.”

Make intentional choices in difficult situations

Stop. Slow down. Think. Engage your brain. Breathe. Pray. Stay calm. Go for a walk. These are not easy things when you feel irritated or angry, but they can help you act instead of react. Make a choice to think before you speak. Make a choice to remember you love the other person and they are not your enemy. Make a choice to only speak calmly. Make a choice to listen without getting defensive. I’m not a victim. You’re not a victim. Make a choice to take responsibility for your thoughts, words, actions. If you blow it, apologize.

Stay in control

You don’t have to engage when you’re out of control. Tell the other person you don’t feel you can stay in control, so you need to leave for a short time. Call a friend, take a run, pray and ask God to help you calm down, write about it, find a way. Only engage in disagreements when you can stay calm. Arguing when one or both people are out of control is dangerous and can have lasting effects physically and emotionally. Don’t do it! If you can’t figure out how to do this on your own, ask a pastor, coach, or counselor to mediate so things don’t get out of hand.

Think through what I was really trying to say

Keep it about feelings. Most people blame, then the other person gets defensive. “You did this!” “Well, if you wouldn’t have…then I wouldn’t have…” On and on it goes-no where! What if you got beneath the anger and found your hurt? What if you expressed yourself in a vulnerable way? It’s scary. You’ll feel exposed. Sometimes this is the very thing needed to break through the disagreement.

“I felt like a little kid getting in trouble by the principal and I wanted to hide and cry.”

“I was horribly embarrassed and it reminded me of the time…”

“I felt so misunderstood and didn’t know how to respond.”

“I just really miss you and I’m scared.”

“My feelings overwhelm me.”

Our loved ones will respond to our vulnerability much better than accusations, attacks, labeling or judging. Without taking the time to think through what is really going on, we’ll stay on the level of accusing. There’s usually something deeper going on, and we’re not totally honest if we don’t take the time to look a little deeper.

Really listen

True listening can only take place when the listener remains calm. You don’t have to take on the other person’s problem. Just listen. Hear them. What are they trying to say? Can you get under their anger to hear their hurt or fear?

This is our chance to provide a safe place for those we love to land. We can be the one who tries to understand where they are coming from. We can provide clarity in their confusion. We don’t need to agree, disagree, advise or defend. We can just listen and see if we can understand.

This is huge!

We don’t have to fix it all! Most of the time, the people we disagree with are very intelligent people! They can figure it out. They may just need someone to talk to. They may just need to be heard. They may just need to know we care.

Take turns

When each person knows they will get a chance to speak and each will do their best to listen for understanding, most issues can be resolved.

Red flags: If you fear for your safety, one or the other cannot calm down, or things escalate, please seek help. If you never learned how to fight fair, it just means you weren’t taught. This is a skill that any willing person can learn.

Change your families future now. Learn how to fight!

This post written by Colorado Life Coach, Carrie O’Toole