Brennan Manning died this week.

Lots of people died this week.

I loved Brennan Manning. He was at the same time a mess, a fabulous writer, an alcoholic, and sober. Many other things as well.

About a decade ago, I was in bad shape. I was on medication for depression and anxiety and then I stopped sleeping…literally! At one point, I didn’t sleep for 5 months straight. I thought I was going to die.

People volunteered to clean my house, make meals, pick up my kids from school. I hardly functioned. So, I went to see a psychiatrist. I had so many questions about why this was happening to me, and how to make it stop.

My doctor read this story from Brennan Manning’s, Abba’s Child:

“Thornton Wilder’s one-act play ‘The Angel That Troubled the Waters,’ based on John 5:1-4, dramatizes the power of the pool of Bethesda to heal whenever an angel stirred its waters. A physician comes periodically to the pool hoping to be the first in line and longing to be healed of his melancholy. The angel finally appears but blocks the physician just as he is ready to step into the water. The angel tells the physician to draw back, for this moment is not for him. The physician pleads for help in a broken voice, but the angel insists that healing is not intended for him.

The dialogue continues–and then comes the prophetic word from the angel: ‘Without your wounds where would your power be? It is your melancholy that makes your low voice tremble into the hearts of men and women. The very angels themselves cannot persuade the wretched and blundering children on earth as can one human being broken on the wheels of living. In Love’s service, only wounded soldiers can serve. Physician, draw back.’

Later, the man who enters the pool first and is healed rejoices in his good fortune and turning to the physician says: ‘Please come with me. It is only an hour to my home. My son is lost in dark thoughts. I do not understand him and only you have ever lifted his mood. Only an hour…There is also my daughter: since her child died, she sits in the shadow. She will not listen to us but she will listen to you.'”

My doctor asked if I had ever prayed for God to use me. “Yes!” Then this is a gift.

He explained that in the story, the physician suffered from melancholy (depression) just as I did. The angel did not allow him healing at that point. The physician could help people others couldn’t, specifically because he understood their pain.

Years later, I understand that if I had not gone through what I did, I could not help others going through similar struggles. In graduate school, I learned that counselors can only take people as far as they’ve been willing to go themselves.

One day soon after this, I was on my way to teach a bible study. I prayed as I heard other people, “God take me completely out of this today.” I thought he would appreciate my humble prayer. Instead I heard,

“No!” I don’t want a robot to teach this class. I chose you! You have been through a lot and people feel safe talking to you. You are funny. You have a way of drawing people out. I won’t take you completely out of this today, because I put you there.”

Wow!

Brennan Manning introduced me to the concept of a wounded healer. Now I can honestly say I wouldn’t trade the pain of my earlier years for anything.

How about you? Have you experienced the struggle of denied healing? Does this story help you see it in a new light?

This post written by Colorado Life Coach, Carrie O’Toole.