Is there such a thing?

We all experience loss:

• Death of a loved one
• Death of a dream
• Death of a season of life (caring actively for children, employment, and so on)
• Death of a relationship
• Death of a plan
• Failure
• Not attaining the love or approval of a significant person
• Not being the person one wishes he or she were (loss of the ideal self)
• Not getting what we want
• Loss of health due to illness
• Financial reversals
• Death of anything we need, want, or desire, good or bad

After experiencing loss, we typically protest reality. We don’t want it to be true. We deny or numb ourselves to reality. We scream (or want to), “NO!” This is the “anger phase” of grief.

We may spend years “bargaining” to make that reality not be true. If I were to perform more, the love will be there. If I find a new relationship, the hurt will go away.

When the protests and bargaining don’t work, reality sinks in. We cannot change what happened. It is real. No matter what I do, I can’t make it not true. We try to ward this off by more bargaining or protesting. We try drugs, a new relationship, a return to an old one, more trying to perform, or whatever mechanism is available to us to get away from the truth.

When we finally hit bottom and realize we can never change what has happened, we break. We cry. This sadness is the letting go of the reality. It is saying good-bye to what can never be.

It is also the beginning of true healing!

We let go of what cannot be. Reality and our heart, mind, and soul all come together and we cry. Tears are shed, and after many, many tears, we let go. “I will never have it, so I will let go of the wish.” And like a leaf falling into a stream, free of the tree that lost it, it goes away.

The sadness does go away. The heart can now experience joy, because it is available for new things. What was lost was an experience, and from it we take understanding and wisdom for the rest of our lives.

The process is now complete. We have grown. The past is now in the past and does not continue to affect the present, except in greater wisdom or the pleasant memories of a loved one who has past on.

The death experience gives way to the resurrection of a new life.

It’s a simple process, but it’s not easy.

Why do so many people get stuck in grief? They keep returning to denial, protest and bargaining.

2 reasons:

1. We don’t recognize the experience as grief. When a person dies, we hold a funeral. When hopes or dreams die, we don’t realize we’ve experienced a loss. We stay in denial, or protest for a long time. This can prevent us from moving into a new life.
2. We lack resources. We can’t let down and let go if we’re not being held up. If there is not enough love to sustain us, both inside and out, then we cannot let go of anything, even something bad.

We need 2 things for grieving:

1. Love, support, and comfort. Grief is only done in community. If we don’t have this, we stay stuck in the despair or the wishing because we don’t have the love to hold us up in order for us to let go of what we have lost.
2. Structure. We need time, space and structured activities. Grief is a relational experience, and our pain has to be seen eye to eye with another person. Someone should be looking at us when we are crying, and we should be looking at him or her. Then we know that we are not alone and our tears are seen and heard. Being heard, empathized with, understood, and supported gives the life support needed to go through the surgery of grief.

Grief may be the answer to your rut. You may be denying a reality lost long ago. You may be protesting something that will never come true. Maybe it is time to give it up. Maybe it is time for you to mourn so that your heart can be made happy again.

There really is such a thing as Good Grief!

From How People Grow, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

This post written by Colorado Life Coach, Carrie O’Toole