I would love to be the expert.

I’m going to be 50 tomorrow, and I always thought by this time in my life, I’d be through learning all the hard lessons. I thought I’d have worked through the relational issues, and my family would be the example of how to do things right.

Here’s the truth:

My life has had it’s share of trauma, and because of this:

~My heart still hurts

~I cry a lot

~I only sleep through the night when I take medication

~I suffer from PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). I didn’t know that parenting a traumatized child, would traumatize me.

~I struggle with self-esteem

~I find myself under spiritual attack regularly

~I have fought through mood disorders, and thankfully, I’m on the other side

~My marriage has not been easy. We’ve had great times together, but we still need help finding our way through the trauma. It is in no way easy, or light-hearted much of the time. We have to fight to stay together, and patch up the places that have been broken and battered through the years.

~Our family was traumatized. It wasn’t just a few rough years we experienced, it was trauma. We’re all still recovering. We’re having to learn new ways to communicate without triggering PTSD responses.

Life is hard…still.

I don’t know why, but I thought it would be easier by now.

Other people seem to “have it together.” I see pictures of people my age enjoying their empty nests, traveling, and beginning new adventures.

I bet from the outside, my life looks pretty good too. We take nice pictures. I have lots of facebook friends. I published a book.

We don’t talk much about the pain.

Now, I know people who talk ONLY about the pain. Life is horrible-everyday! They never see the blessings. They live as victims and don’t do anything to make their lives better. They just wallow in the suffering.

I also know people who try so hard. They get counseling or coaching. They read books on how to change their lives. They pray. They believe God. They seek out others to help them. And for some reason, life is still hard.

I don’t get it.

When I meet God face to face, I’ll ask about that. Why do some people suffer so much, and others seem to skate by in life? I’m glad he’s God and I’m not.

My good friend reminded me that my 50th birthday begins my Jubilee Year. I studied this years ago, but looked it up today. In the Biblical Book of Leviticus, a Jubilee year is mentioned to occur every fiftieth year, in which slaves and prisoners would be freed, debts would be forgiven and the mercies of God would be particularly manifest.

“The mercies of God would be particularly manifest.”

This is my prayer: “God, you’ve asked me to trust you. You’ve promised me that you would restore all these broken years. You’ve promised me the marriage I’ve dreamed of since I was a little girl (since you put the dream in my heart anyway). Please restore my sleep, my health, heal my PTSD, heal my marriage, heal my family, and build this ministry into what you planned from the start. I know you’re not done with me yet! 50 is young! I have lots of time left, and I ask you to heal me, so you can use me to the full!”

Happy Jubilee to me.

This post written by Colorado Life Coach, Carrie O’Toole, M.A.